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Before reading, it is recommended that you take everything that
you know that is normal, standard, average and scientifically
sound and toss it out the window. That way of thinking will only
frustrate and confuse you.
It is also highly recommended that you read in the voice of John
Cleese, a famous British actor. This will make the story much
more enjoyable and clever sounding. (If you really needed me to
explain who John Cleese was, shame on you!)
And finally it is very highly recommended that you enjoy the
story. Because if you don’t then all this would be for nothing and
we will all end up looking like fools. (but mostly me)
Now, get into your favorite chair, brew up your favorite tea and
hold all your questions until after the story has finished. Cheers!
Sitting outside on his front porch, Francis Muck held in his hand Lamplight Lane’s
newspaper, The Lamp Post. His eyes bulged out at an ad for a photography
contest at this year’s Pepper Festival. Lamplight Lane was known for its pepper
plants and their production, thus making it the town’s most beloved spice. Every
year the town got together and celebrated their pepper heritage by having
contests, games, and entertainment of all sorts. One of the most popular games
was the Sneeze Olympics. Contests in the Sneeze Olympics ranged from the
Sneezathalon, where contestants competed for loudest, most powerful and most
original sneeze, to the Last Man Sneezing contest, where competitors saw who
could sneeze the longest repeatedly without throwing up, passing out, or popping
out an eyeball. Francis stared at the newspaper, imagining himself winning the
photography contest and having his photo put on a stamp. The grand prize for the
photography contest was four dollars!
Wait a minute, sorry, Francis was so excited about this he’d drooled on the
newspaper, covering the two zeros. It was actually four hundred dollars. But who
was Francis kidding? He never won anything. There must be a way he could win.
An idea came to him like a flash of lightning. A moment later, Francis woke up on
the ground, slightly toasted but with a grand idea. Sheesh! Francis thought. That’s
the sixth time this year. I should really start thinking indoors more, and on less
cloudy days. The words “Old Man Groys” escaped his lips along with a small puff of
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